Published on September 29, 2020

The new mommy diaries

Newborn ambushes parents when they least suspect it

By Stephanie Johnson / The Bulletin

First lesson learned by this new mom: Don’t wear anything that you don’t want to be thrown up on, or worse.

Nothing will humble you or bring you more down to earth than having a little “mini me” do his normal thing - throw up, pee, or even poo all over you. If you have kids, you know what I am talking about and probably find this very familiar.

If you don’t have kids, I’ve probably grossed you out already.

Before kids, these are all things I thought were disgusting and would never happen to me. Then it became normal.

I used to love my nice tops and cute outfits. Now I live in sweatpants and T-shirts every day. Thanks to quarantine, this is the new fashion statement, so I fit right in. If I throw something nice on, I have to be prepared to have something bad happen to it.

I can’t count the number of times my baby has spit up on me since he’s entered this world. I’ve gotten so immune to it that when he does it to other people, I sometimes forget that it’s gross and wonder why they are freaking out.

I find spit-up in new places every day. The other day I found some on our nice sectional and then on the new rocking chair. There probably isn’t a place he hasn’t spit up on yet. It leaves a white residue, a work of art from a full stomach. But I wouldn’t have it any other way, right, moms?

The second I take his diaper off, pee goes everywhere; the worst part is, he is laughing about it. Wait a minute. You’re supposed to do that in the diaper, not wait until I remove it.

I remember the first time he surprised me; I couldn’t figure out how my shirt and the ground got all wet. I was looking around everywhere, and then I finally figured out that baby boy was the culprit.

After that, I became immune. When it happens, it’s no big deal. Before I had a baby, this would have grossed me out, but I am a new mom now. I can handle these kinds of situations - just part of the new normal for me.

Now, if you are eating, I suggest you stop reading or skip this part. But you have probably already skipped all the earlier parts before reaching this part.

I will never forget the first time the baby pooped, and I was in the way. This one will really bring you down to Earth. It’s funny now. I was feeding him, and all the sudden I heard a loud noise and knew that it wasn’t good.

The noise grew louder and stronger and was followed by grunts - like a mini volcano about to blow. I felt something running down me. I looked down, and my baby was smiling and happy, but then I also realized what had just happened. My story isn’t as bad as my husband’s, though.

David was trying to rock the baby when I heard him from the other side of the house calling for help. I ran over to see what was wrong. It was all running down the baby’s legs, my husband’s shirt, dripping from his hand, and accumulating in a puddle on the floor.

We cleaned everything up. It was one of those situations when we just put the baby in the bathtub instead of trying to use wipes. David cleaned himself up. I probably should have taken him out in the backyard and hosed him down.

A week later, I noticed that he had missed some dried poop that was on his shoe. He had worn them to work all week and didn’t notice. That is a truly humbling experience. And before baby, we got upset when we accidentally stepped into dog poop. That was just for practice.

It might be awhile until I get to wear my cute outfits again, but it’s worth the trade-off. I am now prepared for anything else that comes my way, no matter what shape or form - or color.

(You can reach Stephanie at stephanie.bulletin@gmail.com. Or by writing to: The Bulletin, P.O. Box 2426, Angleton, TX. 77516)