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Published January 7, 2020


My New Year’s ‘unresolutions’

By John Toth / The Bulletin

It would be easy to rattle off a bunch of New Year’s resolutions to make me feel better, only to wind up breaking them later. But I have come up with something new – a more manageable concept.

The unresolutions.

Spellcheck has underlined the word because it does not recognize it. It is a new word. I just made it up. It will take spellcheck programs another 10 years to catch up, if they even accept it then. But you are now part of this new concept of making unresolutions.

Remember the 7-Up commercials in the 1960s? The Uncola?

I heard that jingle as a child of 11, and it stuck in my mind. Some Madison Avenue ad man came up with a goldmine of a line. I hope he got rich off of it.

The Uncola was nothing like the Cola because it was transparent. But it tastes just as syrupy. We’re going to do better with unresolutions.

• My first unresolution is to not worry about working out. I do it if I want and am lazy when I want. A lot of times I tend to be the latter. Also, there is a lot of pressure sticking to a regimented workout schedule. So, I will not promise to work out more, but I will if I want to.

• Spend less time on social media? Why? How am I going to get all these photos of vacations, family members and pets to all my friends and family? Emailing them is so last decade (which was just a few days ago).

In the 2020s, I’ll need a quick way to let everyone know that my kittens did something cute, like turning over their water bowl and flooding the floor. So, I will not promise to spend less time on social media.

• I won’t cut back on drinking because people need to drink to stay alive. My drink of choice is ice water and decaf coffee in the mornings.

• I won’t promise to work harder because I am trying to work less – but it’s not working.

• I am not a connoisseur of red meat, but cannot promise that I will stay away from it completely. I try to eat meatless meals or something with chicken, turkey or fish in it, but every now and then I cut loose and inhale a burger and fries – because it tastes so good.

Here are the top 10 New Year’s resolutions as researched by me for a few seconds on the Internet machine:

- Exercise more: We already covered this.

- Lose weight: I’m good on this.

- Get organized: Not interested.

- Learn a new skill or hobby: I tried several times to learn to play the guitar, but quit after my fingertips started hurting.

- Live life to the fullest: Trying.

- Save more money / spend less money: Under control.

- Quit smoking: I don’t smoke.

- Spend more time with family and friends: In progress.

- Travel more: Trying, but needs improvement.

- Read more: I got this covered all day and part of the night.

Here is an un-unresolution, which makes it a resolution: I will finish my book.

We’ve all heard that before. It just needs a few more chapters. Right now, I think it’s longer than “War and Peace,” but not as violent.

What is your favorite unresolution? Drop me a line and let me know. Happy New Year. May this year be the best year of your life.

(John looks forward to hearing from you on this subject. Send me a note at john.bulletin@gmail.com. You can even send an old-fashioned letter to: The Bulletin, P.O. Box 2426, Angleton, TX. 77516.)