Strange ‘bird,’ old ‘bird,’ and mourning real birds

By John Toth / Editor and Publisher

The country of Turkey has a dating television show called “Luck of the Draw,” and if they do nothing else, they need to screen contestants better.

Shows in foreign countries take their programming clues from American television. This show would be similar to our “Dating Game.”

Sefer Calinak, 62, was one of the contestants recently, hoping to meet someone through the show.
“I’m an honest person looking for a new wife,” he said.

Since honesty is the best policy, he went on to list his previous relationships. He rattled off that he killed two wives because they irritated him, and a girlfriend, because he thought she was after his money.

My question is: Why didn’t the producers of the show know before airtime that their contestant has murdered three people?

It’s probably not too hard to find out things like that. Or maybe it was a hoax. Either way, he was asked to leave the show, and the audience applauded.

Had he been allowed to stay, the show could have continued something like this.

Host: What qualities do you look for in a partner?

Calinak: They should be pretty and stay quiet. Try not to irritate me, because that could be a problem.

Host: Once you pick a partner tonight, can you promise us that you won’t kill this one also?

Calinak: That’s a hard question. May I call a friend?

Host: No, you have to give us an answer. You just have a few more seconds.

Calinak: I’ll try.

Host: Contestant No. 1, what would you say to our bachelor on your first date?

Host: It looks like Contestant No. 1 has decided to leave. Let’s go to Contestant No. 2. Wait. She left also? Three did too?

What’s wrong with people, anyway? You don’t kill your wives and girlfriend and then go on a game show to find someone else. What’s this world coming to?

And you don’t run drugs at the age of 90, like Lee Sharp did in Indiana. He is now serving a three-year prison sentence.

I hope to reach 90. If I do, I’m not going to run drugs. That’s a promise.

Sharp hauled 2,755 pounds of cocaine into Michigan from the southwest United States on a half-dozen trips from February 2010 until his arrest. He also hauled duffel bags stuffed with cash back to the southwest border of the United States for the criminal organization that was part of Mexico’s Sinaloa cartel.

I know what he did was illegal, but you can’t help being impressed. I’m not condoning this type of crime, but he got caught at 90.

At 90, my plans will include waking up, getting the bed propped up, and breathing. Once I get past these three major tasks, I’ll tackle eating, pooping and remembering what day it is.

Sharp was pulled over by police in October 2011 for erratic driving on an interstate highway in Michigan with what turned out to be 104 bricks of cocaine in his truck.

His lawyer argued that three years equates to a death sentence and that his client was demented.

Good try, counselor, but Mexican drug cartels don’t hire demented people who may not remember where they stuck that duffle bag of cash. I hope that Sharp has learned his lesson, and when released from prison at age 93, he will not return to a life of crime.

That was a turkey of an argument. Speaking about turkeys, a bunch of them died in a tractor-trailer accident recently in Utah. Now, PETA wants to erect a memorial at the site in their honor.

The truck, hauling more than 700 live turkeys, crashed through a guard rail on U.S. Highway 189 and plunged into a reservoir. The driver received injuries, but survived.

I don’t mind telling you that I like eating turkey. The meat is high in protein and low in fat. If you are watching what you eat, the turkey is a good choice.

I feel sorry for those poor birds, but they were going to die, anyway, and wind up on dinner plates or between two pieces of bread with cheese and mustard.

The state denied the request.

The PETA-proposed sign would have included the Transportation Department’s standard safe-driving messages along with an image of a turkey and the words, “In memory of the hundreds of terrified turkeys who died here in a truck crash. Try vegan.”

I am getting really hungry writing all this crazy stuff. Time for a nice, healthy turkey breast sandwich. Wait, this piece has tire tracks on it.

What’s this? A man was running and doing push-ups in the nude on a Portland, Ore. street.

Being fitness-oriented is great, but there are some societal rules to working out – like wearing clothes.
He was hit by a car and died. A sad way to end the column.

Next week, I’ll have a happy ending – promise.