Even when I have nothing to say, I say it, anyway

By John Toth
The Bulletin

Oh, the burdens of being a columnist. It is a big responsibility, and not too many of us can do it on a regular basis.
That’s why I skip some weeks, because I’m not really a full-fledged columnist. That’s just one of many things I do at The Bulletin. So, there are some weeks when I don’t have anything I can develop, and I just decide to skip that week.
Like this week, but I decided to get a column in anyway. Several times a week I get some good feedback on the columns, along with many of our regular features like dumb crook briefs, Strange but True and How Stuff Works to mention a few.
So, now I am starting to feel guilty about skipping weeks … the price of success presents a heavy burden. But, being the pro that I am, I must forge ahead and do what’s best for my readers. So, here it goes.
Here goes what?
Here goes a column in which I need to be humorous, witty and finish with a punch line.
But I don’t feel like doing that this week. I don’t feel that strongly about anything right now. I feel all hot and uncomfortable when I go outside. When I walk my dogs, I have to spray myself with mosquito spray, and the dogs hate all these mosquitoes all over the place.
They get all their pills and sprays, but it’s still irritating. Just like they irritate me buzzing all around my face, and sometimes even in my mouth. They taste like chicken.
BTW: Why does exotic food taste like chicken? You pay a lot for it, and then it’s like biting into a chicken leg. Might as well just pick up a bucket of chicken for a few dollars and be done with it. Man, that chicken ... tastes like chicken.
Anyway, what’s with all these mosquitoes? I hear the trucks and the planes spraying, but I think they just eat that stuff up. My friend in Arizona said she doesn’t miss the Gulf Coast mosquitoes. Neither do I, because they are all around me.
I was going to focus on an important subject this week, but there is not a whole lot happening in the world. Well, there is a lot happening, but I haven’t taken the time to find out what it is. Sometimes I take a break from the news for a few minutes and get on Facebook.
Facebook is the greatest invention since sliced bread. Actually, there have been greater inventions, like penicillin, the atomic bomb, electricity, the internal combustion engine, and low fat whipped cream in a spray can, to mention a few.
Have you ever wondered why all the inventions have to be compared to sliced bread? I personally don’t think that sliced bread is a big deal. If someone would not have invented it, I’d be perfectly happy slicing my own bread.
It didn’t take a genius to look at a loaf of bread and start slicing it up. I can just see the guy who sliced the first bread ever in history. He probably ran around the cave bragging about it. Then another dude came along and invented the wheel, and the sliced bread guy was soon forgotten.
Yes, turning out a column a week is quite a burden. I think I’ll just skip this week. I’ve tried to think of stuff, but am coming up blank. Check back next week. I may have something to talk about.