DIY is a lot more fun watching than doing

By John Toth

I thought the DIY Channel on my TV had been disabled, until one recent weekend when it just popped up, and once again made me feel guilty, inadequate and addicted.
After I discovered it, I watched episode after episode of all of the great things that homeowners do to upgrade their homes and yards. I really like watching this stuff, just don’t like doing it.
When my wife starts watching, she gets all these ideas about how we can improve our house. Then the encouraging – also called nagging – begins.
“That’s very hard to do. They make it look easy on TV. And, it takes a long time. I don’t have all that time. They edit the video to make it seem like all that work can be done in 30 minutes,” I told her.
I think I’ve got all of my bases covered now.
DIY gives me a lot of headaches, but it is interesting to see what those homeowners go through.
And, sometimes it backfires, like when a guy cutting a doorway with a huge saw almost fell off the ladder. When the saw kicked back, he banged up his knee.
It must have hurt a lot, but he went on working, or at least that’s how the story was told. They probably stopped the camera while he calmed down and got a few choice words out of his system.
When something like that happens, it’s also a good time to do some demolition.
One thing I don’t understand is why it is so important in these half-hour shows for the projects to stay on schedule. The homeowners are doing the work, and they can take as much time as they want. They can do it on the weekends, like I do sometimes, and finish ... whenever.
I have put in some flooring and tile and have done some painting around the house, but never really felt like I was on any deadline.
And, they get so emotional and argumentative. There is such drama. I wonder sometimes how some of these couples stay together after getting into so many arguments.
I guess it makes for good television. There is that long look by the wife when the husband realizes that something is just not working out. Like she could do it better, huh?
Then they cut away to a commercial. I half-way expect when they come back for them to be standing in front of Judge Judy.
I got stuck watching one show in which a contractor goes to a major home improvement store and tries to get people to agree to let him go to their house and build them a new backyard, kitchen, bedroom or living room.
I like those shows. I go to those stores all the time now in hopes of running into these TV show contractors. I could use all of the above, and I would not mind a bit if it was free.
What I have noticed, though, is that guys in these situations act distant to the gift-bearing contractor, or even hostile. We don’t like being bothered in a store, not even when someone is giving away free stuff.
One shopper actually told the TV show guy that he doesn’t like contractors. Hey, dude, you don’t have to be that honest. This one is trying to give you a $10,000 kitchen renovation for free.
Women are great. They scream, joke around, and even beg. They don’t care how it looks on TV as long as they get that brand new kitchen.
As guys, we really need to let our hair down a little. The TV show star/contractor is not trying to steal your babe. He is looking for a good project that can be made into a half-hour show.
DIY, you’re killing me. But I like watching shows that feature things that I’ll never do.
OK, that’s enough do-it-yourself. Time to turn to Home and Garden TV, where people looking for a home are just asked to decide which house they want to buy. That’s a lot easier than knocking out a wall.
That guy really banged up his knee. He should have switched channels while he had a chance.

Disclaimer: John Toth writes satirical columns based on current events, and sometimes on events that happened a long time ago, or actually never happened. Please use only for entertainment purposes.