No lotto win for me; no new car for my readers

By John Toth / Editor and Publisher

The fact that you are reading this column proves that I did not land the Mega Millions jackpot last week and had to show up for work this week.

I was going to pull an Oprah on all my readers and surprise you with a brand new car for Christmas if I won, but it didn’t happen.

If this article is published, that means that I am not Island shopping in the Bahamas.

The estimated jackpot was $650 million (that is more than a half billion). The cash value option is $341,200,000 after taxes. That’s a lot of taxes, but oh, well. I guess $341 million is sort of O.K.
The odds of winning it was 259 million to one. But, it’s not zero.

That’s how they draw you in these things. While none of the numbers I pick will ever match, the odds of winning is only zero if you do not buy a ticket. Otherwise, there is a very small chance of winning it all.

Almost zero, but not zero.

I’m not much of a gambler. In the casinos, I stick to the slot machines, and I have a limit if $100 to lose, if I gamble at all.

I hear some people bragging about how they won enough money to pay for their vacation. I’ve never experienced anything like that. But, if they won that much money in a casino I was in, that was partly my money.

I was feeding the slot machine several years ago and could not get a single fruit to match. It was as if the machine was scamming me. It was ruthless.

You cannot take out your anger on those things because security is watching everyting. But I’d like to totally destroy that machine if I could.

After I stopped playing it, a woman took my place, and the machine came alive. She won all the money I put in, plus more.

So, judging from my gambling past, I do not expect to win any sort of a jackpot, yet I keep buying lotto tickets every now and then for the same reason everyone else does – dreams of being on easy street using everyone else’s $2 ticket money.

I was going to write a column for this issue about Santa Claus, but I just had to jump into the Mega Millions jackpot theme.

Plus, you have heard way too much about Santa since Megyn Kelly on Fox News said that he is white. Everyone jumped into the fray after that.

I don’t want to tell the whole truth about Santa, just in case some younger readers should stumble onto this column somehow.

I know the chance of that happening is about as good as my winning the Mega Millions, but it’s not zero. O.K., it may be zero. Kids that young will never see this column.

Here it goes. Santa is what you want him to be because …. I’m not going there. I can’t risk it.
Back to the lotto jackpot that I have a next to zero chance of winning. What would I do with all that money?

– I would never coupon shop again.

– I would never go to a matinée movie just to save $1.50 per person.

– I would never again bargain with a car salesman until I am blue in the face to save $500 off the sticker price.

– I would not look at the price on menus.

– I would not do battle on Black Friday to buy a big screen TV for half price. (Wait, that’s not a good example because I don’t do that now.)

– I would not stay in my house, even though I like it a lot. I would stay at a bigger house with a car elevator.

– I would not let you know that I won.

– I would not post on my Facebook page that I won.

– I would not write this column.

Better luck next time.