My New Year’s resolutions

By John Toth

Let’s make some resolutions we can keep.
The hard ones usually get cast aside in a few days ... like losing lots of weight, or never be late for work again. But my way, we can all keep our resolutions because it’s won’t take a lot of effort.
Here we go.
• I promise never to believe anything the Mayans predicted between making human sacrifices to the gods. Any civilization that screwed up its calendar this badly obviously had no business telling the future.
• When I go to the gym, I’ll spend less time messing with my cellphone because I really don’t want to be there, getting all tired. And, I promise that I will not cheat on the treadmill by jumping off of it and letting it run on its own for a while.
• I will not use Facebook for political purposes. This social network site should be restricted to posting pictures of family and pets.
• I will not buy stuff on eBay that is totally useless, but I really wanted it and pushed the “buy” button.
• I will consider rearranging my morning routine to 1) coffee, 2) Facebook.
• I will reprogram my TV so that it can get channels other than news and HGTV.
• I promise to become inspired again one of these days and consider doing some home improvement projects.
• I will not start smoking. This one is easy to keep, since I have never smoked in my life. But, I want to stick to promises that I can keep.
• When passing gas, I will try not to blame it on the dog. This will be hard, because it’s so easy to do.
I will not sit at the computer all the time. I will try to stand while I type, for at least 30 minutes a day. Just joking. I don’t do this all day, just most of the night.
• I will stop pretending it isn’t time to take the garbage out yet, by repeatedly smashing it down.
• I will think of a password other than “hello” or “password.” Oops, now I have to change the password on my checking account to “hellopassword.”
• I will keep an extra safe distance when driving behind police cars.
• I will try to drive closer to the speed limit. Maybe 120 MPH in a 50 zone is a bit too fast.
• I will always replace the gas nozzle before driving away from the pump. Driving through town with that thing hanging out of the gas tank is a little awkward.
• I will start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.
• I will not congratulate any woman on her pregnancy unless I am sure she is pregnant. This can create a very awkward situation.
• I will pay closer attention to my GPS.
• I promise that I will try harder to change the date and volume numbers on the front page of The Bulletin so that when Issue 52 comes around, we don’t have to adjust it and hope that nobody would notice.
• I promise to make fewer spelling and grammatical mistakes, although I tend to think that I don’t make all that many. I’ll try not to yell at my editor when I do find one.

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